Cojones--Que???

I was walking to get lunch yesterday and looking around for something to write about. Sometimes I read and re-read the blogs I’ve already written, and I think, ‘I wonder what people think?” Do people think that the things that I write about are boring? Or worse yet, do they think that it’s made up and blown out of proportion. There’s a part of my mind that sometimes conflict with my thoughts. I think one way but recognize that that might not be the best way to express my words, so I editorialize them, making sure to filter out the non-politically correct ideas. 'You have to watch what you say", I say to myself. So I become very conscientious of what is said. I want to write clearly, so that my thoughts are understandable. Simple enough so that the message that is being shared is clear. Balanced in tone so that I'm able to be funny, informative, insightful and encouraging. I want to uplift. I want to bring hope. I want to enlighten. I want to touch lives so that they can turn off their computer and feel like they've read a piece of art.

(pause)

So I was talking to Pink Tequila as we walked to lunch. We walk to lunch everyday, if at the least, to get out of the office. As I’m following her down the stairs from the second floor to the front door, she’s ahead of me, in mid-conversation with someone else on the third floor.

Yeah, she’s yelling.

The person she was talking to was our boss, and before Pink Tequila hits the front door, she yells something that I thought was pretty ballsy. You know…pretty bold, especially to my boss. Don’t get me wrong—our boss is a hella-cool chick. But, she is our boss.

The first thing out of my mouth was, ‘wow, you got a set of big balls, don’t you?’ I said it with a tone of reverence, drizzled ever so lightly with sarcasm and a little ‘how-dare-you’. Then I thought out loud, as I normally tend to do—‘now that doesn’t fit with you, you know---since it’s not anatomically appropriate. How do I make it fit you?’ She shook her head and giggled, knowing full well that I clearly didn’t need any help in coming up with a substitute word. “How about, Big Vag (sounds like 'badge'). Like, wow, you really have some big vag, don’t you?” We both laughed at the disgusting picture that was painted in our minds. But, at the same time, we fascinated at how versatile that one phrase could be. We could say, ‘Gee, I give Hillary credit. It takes a big vag to run for the President of the freakin’ United States !’ Or, 'It sure takes a big vag to host the People's Choice Awards live show! Good for Queen Latifah!'

Yeah, that fits. I can totally hear that conversation taking place anywhere along Fordham Road in the Bronx.

Or maybe, at any Bar/Club U.S.A., where there are women gathered on Ladies Night wishing they were there with a man. All of them consoling that one girl who’s crying over her man (You know there’s always one---and for some of you, you KNOW who you are…). Her girls can surround her like kids huddle around free ice cream, and encourage her with things like “Girl, you know you don’t need him. You’re a strong, independent woman! You got a big vag! You’re the one HE needs. There’s no one with a bigger vag that he’ll ever meet than you! You’re vag is so big, you are what I aspire to be! You’re my hero! My BVFF (Big Vag Friend Forever)!”

Come to think about it, this phrase could sweep the nation. I can see it making its rounds on MTV and VH1 with all the Wanna Be Hipster Tweeners. If I could get someone with Big Vag-vision – dare I say, a Big Vag Visionary, I could start a trend and inspire an entire generation. I can hear it being spoken on Entertainment Tonight or Access Hollywood even now! Mary Hart interviewing Miley Cyrus: “So tell me Miley, you’re still such a young girl, but you’ve accomplished so much. You're a very sweet girl, but I'm told you are shrewd and a tough cookie in business. It’s like, you have big vag-tendencies. Do you see yourself as a big vag role-model?”

Can’t you see it too?!?

Of course, there is a down side to it. Like there is with everything else. Remember the phrase, 'totally awesome'? Where did that one go? I'm more concerned that it may end up like the phrase ‘the bomb’. That's one that has been taken to the extreme. To the point that it can’t be said just anywhere. Try saying that at the airport. Or try and say it on the subway. Do so, and you’ll be eating gravel faster than the E train at rush hour.

Like, I wouldn’t want Paris Hilton to get a hold of the phrase. The words ‘Big Vag’ just have a bad connotation to it when coming out of her mouth. It sounds too—personal, too obvious. If Paris said ‘Big Vag,’ no matter the situation, my only response would be, “Yes, Paris. I know already!”

That wouldn't be hard to imagine.

I don’t know, maybe I’m having delusions of big vag-grandeur? Maybe I won’t conquer the world, uplift hearts, or bring hope to others enough to inspire them to big vag greatness by promulgating this one phrase?

Oh well. Maybe I’ll just sign off my blogs for a week with that as my valediction. Wait—“Big vag” as my valediction. Hmmm…..

I’ll stick to “Deliciously yours,”. At least for this week.