Taking A Backseat

There's times when I feel led to lead. Take the controls--jump in the drivers seat and put the pedal to the metal. I get a rush sometimes. Like when driving really fast, with the little thought in the back of your mind that you're breaking the law and living a little dangerously, that kind of rush. I feel empowered, and sometimes even powerful. As if I can do anything in the moment and it'll be okay.

Then there are times where I feel like just sitting in the passengers seat and leting someone else drive. I just want to buckle my belt and stare passionless at the passing surroudings. I just want to be taken to where I want to go. There's no attitude. There's no pretense. I'm not particularly relaxed--just content at being led.

That's how this trip was for me. I think I was able to listen to myself and do what I wanted to do, without any outside pressure to do certain things, go to places I didn't want to go, or meet people I didn't want to see.

I felt like I had a breakthrough.

Everytime I went back home, I put it upon myself to plan each and every day--to pack it with lunches, and dinners, coffee time and meeting time. It wasn't a vacation--it was a networking session. I used to leave vacation feeling tired. Fulfilled to some extent, since I was able to check-off all the things I had on my 'things-to-do' list. But none of it was really lasting. Honestly, I can't really tell you who I've spent time with on previous visits, even if you put a hot poker to my nostrils. But there was something about this trip that was rich. I feel full--satiated. Like I had a satisfying meal without overdoing it.

I got a chance to spend a lot of time with several people I didn't think I'd spend a lot of time with. These indivduals have contributed to my life either directly, or very indirectly. BUT, contributed, in a positive manner, nonetheless. It's a fantastic thing as I think about it. Two individuals are friends of my sister--one of which I've known for years. Only this trip was I able to enjoy and appreciate them. It really was an unexpected blessing that makes me smile even now. The other person I learned more about and truly learned to love, in a very short time. That's special.

The second couple is literally kin to me. I've known them for over 10 years. This year they told me they are leaving the islands for Las Vegas. I think about them not in Hawaii, and it sort of doesn't compute in my mind. It doesn't make sense. I guess I know how others in my family may have felt when I told them I was moving from the islands. I get it. So knowing this aforehand, I purposed to enjoy them up while I was in town. The next time I'd see them, they'd be transplants like me in the U.S. continent. I truly realized through this visit that family is not what you are born into--but is made up of who you include in your life. It's a wonderful revelation to me. Now that I've 'grasped' this understanding, I can always have 'family' with me, especially when my blood relatives aren't with me (physically, emotionally etc.). That's pretty comforting.

I had a great time with them.

The next individual I got a chance to reconnect with is a cousin that I've had a strange relationship for many years. Not uncomfortable or unpleasant. This cousin is younger, so always at the periphery in terms of family in my life. There, but not "there." You feel me. So I purposed to make sure that I was going to spend time with this cousin, so that I didn't go further in my life without giving this relationship a chance. I am so glad that I did that! What a great blessing and fantastic person! "Judge not, lest ye be judged" is what the Word says. These words have ringed true in my ears these past days. I'm thankful for the lesson, and the newfound relationship.

Finally, I was able to spend time with my dear younger sister. It's strange how our paths have crossed throughout the years. There is always that older sibling-younger sibling contention. But not even so much as contention, as it is just two kids who know a lot about each other than the other realizes, and the deep shared history that bonds them to each other. Each history rooted in an abiding love for each other. This can be fiery at times. I think I had a breakthrough, and I believe she did also--to be able to overlook our personality differences in the midst of borderline-argumetative situations, to calm down and relax and not snap. At least I've learned that. And I'm glad that I didn't handle things the way I used to handle them. It was through that exercise in self-control that I was able to grow, force myself to communicate through irritation in a kind way, and be a better person. I think my sister may have seen some of that. I'm sure she appreciated it also.

Through this trip, I found that in my life, a lot of times I instantly jump into the drivers seat. I believe God wanted to show me that this trip, I was to take a backseat and let Him lead me through each day. I was able to spend time in the islands by myself. And it was okay. It actually was great. I realize now that perhaps if I didn't take a backseat, then I would have missed out on 4 marvelously wonderful opportunities to connect with people in my life in a deeper way, and to truly express my love to these people in ways I never would have been able. In ways I never thought I'd be able to. I also learned that taking the backseat is a choice. If I want things to change in my life, I have to take the risk of letting God lead me. I know that if God is leading, it'll always end up for my good. This time I am thankful that I listened and moved over.