People Are Off

I'm on the plane waiting to take off from Newark, New Jersey - making my not-so-surprise trek back to the islands. And the 7 dwarves are with me on the flight!

Yes, they have left the Enchanted Forest and are too, now frequent fliers. Apparently they are on vacation.

Who knew?

Behind me sat Stinky. Boy he fits his moniker to a T. He smells like a block of Brie fermenting in a can of sardines. So potent is his stench, that I'm surprised he hasn't been arrested and charged with armed-pit robbery. Stink bastard!!

Next to him sat Dull Dwarf. Her sense of smell has been compromised for so many years, that her odiferous senses have slowed. But it's heightened her other senses. Particularly her ability to speak--in a shrieking whine. I think the term is 'high-pitched shrill.' The likes of which only can be discerned and deciphered by baby porpoise', gnats' and any woman from Long Island.

They sat together the entire flight and complained. The water was too warm. The plane was too slow. The airline waitress was a bitch. The pilot was a dumb ass. These dwarves were very ornery. Nothing like a long flight with unsatisfied halflings.

In front of me sat Sneezy. So cute and quiet, however rife with allergies that rivaled a classromm of non-peanut eating preschoolers. She was the living, breathing, walking plague. I thought this could potentially turn into a Code yellow haz-mat situation. I haven't seen that much phlegm and goo since they pulled Carol Anne out of the closet. Sneezy was at least polite. She covered her mouth prior to every unleashing of germs. But she still was biologically lethal.

Politeness, however, isn't the testimony of Effie the effiminate Dwarf. He's rude, but he thinks he's a Diva (as if it's cute for a white-haired 60+ year old saggy bottom man calling himself a Diva is cute). Ahem.

Everyone on the plane is somewhat agitated, having already logged in an hour and a half waiting for clearance to fly. Everyone is on edge. But Diva - I mean Effie, doesn't give a shit. Effie is on his knee's leaning over the back of his chair facing his girlfriend in the row behind him, cracking his gum and making comments about others around him in spanish.

Effie is a bitch.

His girlfriend - a slight woman with a strong latin accent, is someone who is purely ornamental in life. She's the reason prenuptial agreements were created. She's gorgeous to look at...eye candy so sugary sweet it'll give your vision diabetes. Her one flaw (or perhaps her one talent) would be that her knee's can touch her nose while sitting. I'm not kidding. She's doing it right now. She's bendy--Bendy Dwarf. And Bendy's been around.

Across the aisle from Stinky is the most unusual character I've seen yet. Suspicious Dwarf. Perhaps you've seen this one on a flight. Suspicious is very sneeky looking. The only reason why I say that she's sneeky is because she only looks at people through the corners or top portion of her eyes. Sort of like those teachers who wear their glasses low on the bridge of their nose so that they can look over them while throwing you a disapproving glance. That's Suspicious. She became more ominous as the plane ride continued because she would look arond, reach into her shoe, and look around again. Real 'i'm-not-a-terrorist-so-stop-looking-at-me-while-I-ominously-reach-for-my-shoe' cagey like. I kept my eye on her the entire way to the islands, and even flexed my big body in her direction as if to say, 'Don't mess with this damn plane while I'm on it, woman or you will get hurt.'

I have my fits of bravery once in a while.

The last and least Dwarf that I identified on the flight was none other than Dopey. Yes, Dopey, with the ears that could glide us into the ocean should the wings or engine give out. His ears were so big, that I sear it had its own gravitational pull. The worst thing about Dopey's ears, is that I could see the hairs in his ear from my seat--and he always rubbed the back of it and put that finger up to his nose. Yes, that's what I said. Dopey sniffed his ear funk throughout the flight.

Besides my Captain America glances that I shot to Suspicious, I was on a flight that was to be remembered, and begging to be memorialized in a blog. It is at the point that we landed, that I could sigh in relief that we made it safely, and where I could exclaim out loud while stretching, 'People Are Off!'

Effie snickered in my direction.

I soooo wanted to kick his ass.