Sunlight

Sitting in my office, I embrace the streaming sunlight that bathes my office walls and furniture. I find complete peace in the silence...even when intermittently disturbed by a passing car, a random horn, voices from the office next door or the rattling and tapping keys on my keyboard. I feel like this is what breeds creativity--this is where creativity begins. Among the silence of the mundane. Even while I sit and listen, I hear things that I've never taken in before. A passing airplane outside. The humming of an overactive laser printer. Tapping of feet from high heels of passing pedestrians. yes--maybe this is where creativity will explode. Disrupt the normalcy of daily life and surge creation and birth movements in my mind. Lord knows I could use a heavy dose of creativity right now. If in fact necessity is the mother of invention, then creativity is the byproduct of lack And I am knee deep in a seemingly hopeless situation that only God, the Creator of creativity, can change. The one who can produce heavens and kingdoms with a thought. Who can see the intricacies of the human body and all its working parts, while nurturing the lives of billions. I need His creativity. I am thankful for what I have, and know that there are millions who would eagerly accept my purpose in exchange for theirs. But right now, I would like the Creator to create in me the creativity to be free of the burdens that tether me to fears and struggles. The creativity to surpass what I know and to soar the limitless possibilities of life. The creativity to release the sorrows of yesterday's pain and embrace yet again the hope of tomorrow's promise. What ever that promise may be.

For now, I'll continue to enjoy the light that plays in my work space and dances with my dreams. And smile at the infinite hope that if the Creator is ever with me, then His creativity rests amidst the illumination.

When Will You Start?

Let's start today. Why not? Who will it hurt? Anyone? I sit and think of all of the things that I started and had not yet completed. I have journals and notepads--loose papers and scribbled on pieces of napkins that are stiff and unsuitable to blow my nose. All ideas 'neatly' piled and placed in a box under my desk--waiting for inspiration to ignite them into the next Times bestseller. I think of all of the insightful things I've heard, seen and thought. Or at least insightful to me. Maybe not an original thought to someone else, but surely something that felt life-changing or deep to me. A flint that ignited a spark of curiosity that made me ponder. Or an over-heard conversation, where the words expressed seem less coincidental and more providential. You ever had that happen to you? Sitting in your thoughts at home with the t.v. or radio on in the background. You start thinking of a situation in your life that needs addressing--that unpaid cell phone bill or a friend's struggle with a disease. Then in the background, you hear something that is related to what you're thinking of. A lead, if you will, to the next clue. A crumb to sustain you and keep you while searching for an answer. Those things, all workings of something less haphazard and random. In my perspective. That's what I want to write about. That's what I want to express. So I'll start today. I made 43 a couple of weeks ago. A milestone of sorts. A demarcation in my notch on the tree of life to point out that time keeps moving, so it's never too late to move along with it and redeem the time. Yeah--I think I'll start today.

Dodging Danger

Each day that I forget to pray when I get up, I'm soundly reminded to do so once I get into my car. Living in the Bronx and driving to work each day is like hiking on the edge of a cliff with a broken leg. It is dangerous, but you have to push through it as best as you can because you have to get to where you're going, no matter what the impediment.

Other Bronx drivers are my impediment.

In the Bronx, all lines on roadways are mere suggestions. It is generally underused and announces to the borough that, yes, we are a part of New York City--we just do things differently and according to our own rules. Crossing the street is not challenging enough for us. We like to do so in the middle of rush hour traffic, at night, with all black on, walking slow and mean-mugging all passers-by. That's some balls.

In the Bronx, we don't 'stay in our lanes', as I used to hear people back home yell out the window. Here in the Bronx, the correct lane to drive in is the lane that you create on your own. It's very common to see someone straddling the middle line between two lanes--almost like the luxury, double-wide lanes Kramer created when he adopted a stretch of highway on Seinfeld. This way, the greedy son-of-a-bitch can easily access the lane they need in order to continue forward momentum without being stopped by other Bronx impediments. You see, in the Bronx, when it comes to driving, it's like the fricken' wild wild west. At any minute, you can almost expect that you'll have to dodge a tumbleweed or two.

Except, in the Bronx, it'll probably be a woman dragging 3 kids behind her, ushing a double stroller without looking both ways or paying any attention to the directsion the crosswalk signal is displaying. If they're at the crosswalk.

In the Bronx, these streets are mean. Literally--the potholes are big as Kilauea, and they happily enjoy ripping your under carriage away from your vehicle. They are cruel and ruthless. See, we don't fill our potholes with asphalt or cement, like other boroughs. We use them as landfills. Slow pidgeons, weak squirrels, spare parts that roll off of previously damaged vehicles, plastic bags and cigarette butts. It technically should be cordoned off as biohazards.

The best times--meaning, safest and least congested, are early mornings, when the weather is very cold, or it's a Jewish holiday. It's almost a phenomenon, but these are the times I cherish--especially Jewish holiday. For a borough that prides itself as having the largest gathering of latino's, perhaps in the country, every Jewish holiday, the driving is so easy, one might think I actually lived in Borough Park.

I know there are a lot of Jewish people in the Bronx--I just never thought they all took the same route to work as I did.

And so it is. Each day I physically get dressed for work. Then I mentally and prayerfully suit-up for my always eventful trek to work. My father always advised me that it is always best to make sure you live close to your job so that you're not worried about the commute. Well perhaps I should have taken his advice in this case. Of course, that would require me to live somewhere between Kingsbridge and Williamsbridge.

That's alright, Pops. I'll take my chances and just remind myself to pray more often.

Aloha.

Once upon a time...

...there was a little girl who never followed rules. Every kind of instruction she was given, she would find some way to get out of following. When given a chore to do, she would find a reason why she was not able to perform it. "I don't know how to do it, show me!" "I want to do it this way, not the way you instructed." Whenever she was given homework, she always had an excuse why she couldn't finish it. "I have questions, so I couldn't do anything else until you answered them." "I was busy doing other things so now I need more time." At every opportunity, she either gave an excuse or came up with one ridiculous reason why she did not do what she was told to do.

One day, her mother got so fed up with the girls disrespectful laziness, she packed her up and sent her to the orphanage. When she arrived, it did not phase her that she was no longer living in her own home. She made no friends and she made no impact on anyone except annoy them because of her laziness. Her parents didn't miss her, and she made no lasting positive impression on anyone in the orphanage. When she became of age to be released from the orphanage's care, she left. No one heard from her again. There was no fanfare or sadness. She just disappeared and life went on.

The End

The moral of the story: There is no lesson to learn, except that the best way to make an impact in life, is to do something. Do anything. It's best to do good things, positive things--things that make life better, easier, happier, for someone else. A life spent being lazy in your relationships, lazy in your mind or lazy in your attitude will leave little of you to be remembered and make it much easier for you to be forgettable.

Embarking On New Challenges

I purposed, or proposed to myself, that this year I will challenge myself to do things that I've always wanted to do and to make sure that I don't back down from doing so. I've written what I have in mind and heart to accomplish this year. Today I took the first steps towards meeting them by officially joining the New York Road Runners Club, and signing up for my first NY 5K race taking place in March. So what does this mean?

This means no large fries, or fries of any kind with my double cheeseburger. Scratch that--I can't even get a burger at McD's. No more chinese take out, no more chocolates or sodas in the house. I've thrown out the chips in my office file cabinet for those days when I want something salty. Removed all the hard candies and packs of single-serve popcorn for those 'i just want a little snack to tide me over' moments. I've given away all of the treats from my Christmas stockings, and handed over the flavored popcorn I just picked up from Costco as an impulse buy. That's one of my problems--I bought a huge 3-pack of flavored popcorn as an impulse purchase. Only a true fat-ass would do that.

I cleared out my refrigerator of all of the no-no's. Got rid of the sparkling cider that I bought for the holidays for the non-drinkers. Packed up the candy apple that someone gave me and trashed the half-eaten cookie that I took from a frenemy who offered it as a 'holiday treat' at my office holiday party. Why I took a bite makes me think I may have been feeling 'the spirit of the season' too much; actually bringing the leftover cookie home and placing it in my refrigerator makes me think that I was probably high. I tossed it out like Jordan in his 90's hey-day.

I rustled through all the extra sweets tucked away in my freezer--a piece of pie from the deli, some candy bars from the bodega, and a blueberry muffin from the bagel shop around the corner. I grudgingly got rid of what was left of the half-gallon strawberry ice cream from Breyers (my FAVORITE) and even dismissed the 'healthy' fruit bar/yogurt alternatives that I reasoned would not make me fat but allow me the opportunity to get a taste of something sweet like ice cream, without it being detrimental to my health. Of course, I also reasoned that having 3 on a random, hot October day, was okay--it was yogurt, after all!

Fat ass.

I realize that making these life fulfilling goals requires making life altering changes. Changes to which I almost completely embrace. I know--if I want to do it, there is a cost to it. So if this is what I need to do in order to reach a dream, so be it--this is worth it and I know the outcome will be more amazing then me and this moment. I will probably not even remember having to close my eyes, as I run roughshod through my cabinets and countertops with a black trash bag in the dark to snatch and shove items that I desperately desire but must deeply denounce. It will all be worth it. I'm sure of it. I'm almost certain of it. Well, maybe 85% certain.

Okay, 58%. But I'm gonna get there...it'll just take a moment.

Aloha.

So Let Us Begin...

I just got off of the phone with one of my dearest friends, and I'm so glad that I was able to speak to her. It's funny because she always tells me that I always seem to call her when there is something going on in her life where she needs a friend to talk to. I laugh all the time, but I believe that she doesn't realize that she provides the same relief and respite for me. We joke that God is sorta nudging me to contact her because she needs help. Little does she know that it is God that is nudging me to call because I need to hear her voice. As much as I'd like to take some credit for 'hearing God' and calling her, I can only admit to 'hearing' God speak to my heart, 'call her, she has the remedy you need.' And that voice is always right.

I'll call her, and she'll pick up the phone, and it'll be like we've been speaking for the last few days, when in actuality, it's been months. We've become so close, that all pretense, awkward pauses and shame are never encountered. Something I am thankful for and really blessed to experience in my life.

So let us begin this new year with the reminder that in fact, the people in your life are in your life for a purpose. Either to be an example of what to do, or an example of what not to do. Another way to look at it, is the way I've understood my purpose in the lives of those who I have relationships with--I'm here to affect positive change in the lives of others and have others affect positive change in me.

To my friend--thank you. You add more to my life than you realize.

Aloha.

Year Of Being Honest...

I had a fun night walking around the City with two home-girls. It is so heavy laden with tourists and out of towners that the simple act of walking down any street is not only a chore because of the amount of people, but a hazard. A hazard moreso to those around us, because the frustration that builds is tangible. Holidays in the City is not pretty or easy for those who live here.

While walking, I realized that I had gas--so I used my WAD (Weapon of Ass Destruction) and led the pack. Like the final fight scene in the movie Independance Day, the character of the presidend of the United States says, 'let's clear the road.'

Well, I cleared it, alright.

The funny thing is, my two home-girls and I began talking about things (like farts, and dating...I know, weird combo) that personally I feel embarrassed of and would never talk about. However we spoke and I felt more connected to them. I felt comfortable in my skin. Then I remembered a lesson I learned years ago when I first got saved--a life of transparency is truly living in freedom. Freedom from having to hide behind pretense and facades. Security in finding confidence and security in being the person God created, developed and sustains. Power in realizing that I have finally reached a place in my life where I do not care what people have to say or what kind of opinions they have about my decisions. Heck, I have enough for 8 people. I can be me.

I fully believe in being wise in how and what I share about myself, my ideas. my opinions and my beliefs. I believe everyone's "filter" when it comes to expressing themselves is key in maintaining discretion and protecting themselves. It's just the smart and right thing to do. However, I do recognize that in order for me to make connections with people and for them to see my intentions of love towards them, I must be transparent. People in my life must see that despite my desire to appear in the 'best light,' the greatest testimony I can have to someone and be to someone is for them to see me as being like any other person. That what I may ever attain in this life does not match or compare to the power there is in being relatable and have flaws, but still be able to live in victory and with joy.

I promise to be honest to you this year. As brutal as it may get for me. The only way I can grow and actually allow this blog experience to work for me is to acknowledge that true change and hopefully transformation, will only be obtained when I deal honestly and truly allow my life to be an open book so that you can hopefully relate. Perhaps when that happens, that place of honesty can become the foundation of change for the both of us. Fart stories and all.

We'll see. Aloha.